Paint and Toilet Swirlies Taught me How to Baby Proof

Being in your thirties is a great decade to finally learn who you are – and progress into this adult life of cooking at home, having matching furniture that’s not from Ikea, and finally getting rid of that beer pong table in your dining room. (haha 326 shoutout!) I don’t care if you have kids or not you KNOW you’re guilty of spending a Saturday at Home Depot only to go home and paint a wall instead of getting slaughtered at a bar. **sigh**

So now that I am living as an adult, I try to maintain my serenity and coolness of a thirty-something without having toys  strewn throughout my home. Major Fail. There is nothing like stepping on a choo choo train at 4 am that not only wrecks your foot and pedicure but starts blowing it’s whistle loud enough to not only wake the baby but the entire building. Somehow, we have managed to dodge any write-ups. So far.

But now that Maximo is crawling and pulling himself up to reach pretty much every surface in our home, it’s taken on a new level – baby proofing. That glass of water that I thought was safe on my desk – NOPE! Oh, that bucket of paint in the kitchen? FAIR GAME!!

In one week, Maximo has managed to dump TWO – T-W-O buckets of paint in our lovely little apartment. Yes, not once, but twice. Neither of course that I take blame for lol – but apparently curious 9 month old boys are fond of paint cans. So consider yourself warned. See the proof <———

Also in the last 7 days, we (by we I mean Maximo aka the destroyer) have  managed to break a floor-length mirror, a plate full of empanadas in a restaurant, and well, my sanity.  Nothing is off limits, or beyond the reach of his superman grip. Including my toilet which just taunts him with swirlies that he MUST NOT MISS! It took us a good week to remember to keep putting the seat down – where’s Maximo crawling off to? Oh yeah, the bathroom – FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! And if you know ANY moms, you probably aren’t surprised to hear this for the first time. —-> like this little guy – we haven’t reached full-toilet lift-off yet, but apparently this isn’t uncharted territory.

But it’s one of those things when you read other moms Facebook status updates and think OMGGGGGGGGG MY SON WILL NEVER BE LIKE THAT! Yeah grown the F up – welcome to your thirties! My trendy apartment decor now boasts outlet covers, toilet locks and two levels of  item-less bottom shelves. So if you walk into my apartment and think, oh that’s odd – now you know why.

Oh, and let me warn you also – you, yourself are not baby proof. Maximo is boy – which means, he will rip out your hair, bite you with his teeth and try to pull your lips and eyelids off. He sounds scarier than a trained guard dog.

Maybe they should make THOSE signs to put in your front yard – BE WARE OF TEETHING CRAWLING CURIOUS TODDLER!

So if you have any words of wisdom or advice for this mom who is just dipping her toes into uncharted territory – please feel free to share your horror stories below – haha

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