I know I am that mom.
The mom you hate because I watch from a distance. I let Max climb high ladders you cringe to watch, I let him weasel his way among the older kids for a chance to go down the big slide, and I don’t get mad when your son steals his toy car from his hands, or Max steals his.
I know it bothers you, but let me ask you something – was your mom hovering around you as a child? Didn’t think so.
I am the laissez-faire mom, and here’s why:
Yesterday Maximo found an abandoned toy tractor in the playground, which immediately became the greatest thing to him since the slide he rode five minutes ago. He’s pretty clever that Maximo – he realized that he cannot climb the ladder AND hold the tractor at the same time, so he placed it on the top ledge, climbed up, then grabbed the tractor to go down the slide with him. This repeats about five times until an older boy sees the tractor sitting alone while Max is climbing up the ladder.
He takes it. I can see in Max’s eyes that he is distressed – not that the kid has taken his toy, but that he cannot climb the ladder fast enough to retrieve it. The tractor is gone and Max is enroute, yelling and screaming. The older boy now realizes that Max wants the tractor, and he teases him a bit. Sitting it down on the ground, only to scoop it back up meer seconds before Maximo’s tiny hands once again hold the golden toy. Max emits a fury of rage and dispair.
I ALMOST walk over.
And I stop. I am watching intently. But I quickly assess that Maximo isn’t being hurt, and he has to learn to fight his own battle to win this one.
I keep watching, making sure it doesn’t escalate to physical assualt. The game of teasing ensues for about five more minutes (eternity in toddler time) before the older boy becomes bored with it, and simply hands Maximo his toy tractor back.
Maximo hugs it like a long lost puppy. He runs over to me.
Now, Maximo hands ME the tractor, then climbs the ladder. Once at the top, he kindly extends his hand, asking me for his tractor back. And off he goes.
Do you see the life lesson that was learned here?
If I was that mom you want me to be, hovering and protecting, I would have stepped in and taken the toy away easily for Max. But what would he have gained from that? He would continue to think that whatever he wants he should have, and if he cries loud enough, mom will swoop in and get it for him.
Life doesn’t work that way, so why do we feel that teaching our children that is does will help them to grow up to better people?
I will continue to be that mom you hate because one day it will be my son who is resilient enough to know that he has to fight his own battles.
Where will yours be?
Great post! I am the same way when we go to the playground or the kids are just out front. Close to the same thing happened last week. My daughter was playing out front with her Dinosaurs & a boy came & took one. She cried & whined asking me to get it back. I said if you want it back go ask nicely & stop crying about it. She finally went & asked for it back, and the boy gave it back.
Thanks Jeanette – and great story! I love to see she’s not afraid to stand up for herself!
That is a great parenting moment. I want to be that kind of mom for my youngest. I admit, I was a little overprotective with my other two, but I think that’s also because of their special needs.
I think every child is different in their needs, and when they’re younger, it’s definitely harder to watch from a distance. I just think it’s important as the parent to know these boundaries.
I am the mom that is all up in my kids business. I know my kids can fight their own battles, but they don’t. Some kid steals their toy car and they just let the other kid get away with it and I want them to learn that it’s NOT ok.
It’s not okay to steal, but I think there needs to be a line between where you have to step in and interfere or just watch from a distance.
With my first I overprotective. Now 5 kids later I am also that mom you hate. I let my kids learn for themselves. Sometimes they fail and that is okay too. They have to learn to pick themselves back up and try again!
Totally agree!
I’m that mom too! I always watch from a distance because I don’t want to be hovering over my daughter. If there is a problem with another child, I encourage her to “talk it out” (as we do at home) because that’s what happens in the real world. Thanks for sharing your experience!
haha I hope Max will talk it out too someday soon! Right now, it’s like the wild wild west of toddlers on the playground.
I am in the middle of the two types of mom. I would have probably told my kids that the toy isn’t worth being teased about and to just move on.
Max is only two, so there is no moving on for him at this point, but I agree. I think it was just as much a lesson for me as him to watch how the situation unfolded.
I am a little in the middle. If that toy was my kids to begin with (like, I bought it) and some other kid tried to take it I might step in, but if it was a found toy, eh, whatevs LOL
all those damn community toys creating all these controversy on the playground. lol
That’s besides the point though. The point is who had the toy first and leaning to appreciate what you have rather than have someone provide for you. Her son has learned an extremely valuable lesson as far as I’m concerned that he never would have learned if she stepped in.
I wasn’t arguing her point, simply stating how I personally would have felt about it 😉
I am so with you! I think this is a very important lesson!
That’s so wonderful. I really try not to hover and let my little guy explore. Now, if he would just stop trying to put everything he finds on the dirty NYC ground in his moth I’d be able to relax so much more- lol
Sometimes I have to be reminded of this again and again. Our kids don’t need to be hovered every minute of the day. But I still can’t help it.
My son was hit w/the baseball in a game. Everyone ran to him, I knew he wasn’t hurt. I stayed in my seat and let him sit on my lap when coach brought him over. He totally wanted to be babied because of all the fuss, so I let him sit there a min. He said he didn’t want to go back in the game, and I told him he wasn’t hurt and his team was depending on him to get back in there. 🙂 He was fine and ending up having a hugely great rest of the game (making him very happy). I could tell the other parents thought I should have been on the field babying him too. If he’d have been truly hurt, I’d have been the FIRST parent out there. Loved reading your write up.
I wouldn’t say that you’re the mom I hate…just that we have different opinions and parenting techniques.
I think you did a great job handling that. your son definitely learned a lesson. great job mama
I’m that mom too. It’s hard, especially because my son is an only son. But that is also why it’s so important I don’t hover over him but I let him learn those important life lessons.
I think if I were a Mom, I think I’d be somewhere in between. It’s also funny to hear stories about how Moms were with their first child, and how it changes when they have a second child.
Hmmmm, I’m a little in between too but I would have handled that the same way.
It’s so hard to know when to step in, and when to let them work it out themselves. It sounds like your son learned a good lesson here…plus, you didn’t have to get into an argument with some older kid! Good job, Mommy 🙂
Great piece! This is so hard. I know without question I would have swooped and stopped the older boy in his tracks. I cannot lie about it. But with park season upon us mommy saving the day all the time will come to a close as my daughter will be starting school this year and I cannot sit in class and protect her from everything. Like you said, she will need to fight her own battles and toughen up.