The Holidays We Should REALLY Celebrate

The inevitable resolutions post. Gag. How about this? Next year I hope to actually MAKE it till midnight.

I have never been a fan of New Years Eve. Even B.M. (Before Maximo) I would opt to bartend instead of go out and forge my way through sloppy amateur drinkers. I’ve never made “resolutions” so I’ve never failed at not attaining them. Holidays annoy me because they are a forced reason to have to do things. Like, shouldn’t you try to eat better every day, not just on January 1st? Shouldn’t you bring flowers just because, not because it’s Valentine’s Day?

Am I a scrooge? No. But, let’s be honest – holidays are bullshit. Or Maybe it’s the fact that they’re just so over-monetized these days that it’s hard to see through all the price tags to the true meaning of the season.

So, if it were up to me these are the holidays we would celebrate:

 

1. The I-Made-it-A-Whole-Day-at-Work-Without-Falling-Asleep-with-Less-Than-3-Hours-of-Sleep-Holiday. Whether you’re a new mom or 21 and hungover, we all deserve a day off for making it through more hours of work than we got of sleep. This is also be celebrated with complimentary lattes or McDonald’s Egg McMuffins by our employers.

2. The I-Survived-The-Holidays-With-My-Inlaws-And-No-One-Got-Hurt Holiday. 

Enough said.

3. Birthdays? How about I BIRTHED you Days. Ahhh you’re another year older, how sweet. Now how about I remind you again of all the pregnancy pains, food I gave up (sushi and coffee) for a full year, heartburn, LABOR AND DELIVERY, sleepless nights, breastfeeding in public, how I PUMPED at Steeler Stadium, and more – all to make you the wholesome young person you are. We can start to share this day once a year. If anyone deserves a slice of cake, it’s mom.

4. Independence Day. If America gets an Independence Day, shouldn’t parents? After all those years, I think once a year is a small dedication to celebrate the day the babies fly the nest. I think presents could be a car payment, a college tuition payment (or heck, PRESCHOOL payment), a full month of groceries, or maybe an adult stroller and you can push us around it in for the entire day until WE fall asleep.

5. The I-Made-It-The Whole-Year-In-NYC-Without-Punching-Or-Kicking-A-Cabbie Holiday. Seriously do you know how hard this is??? I have been known to kick a cab or two – usually as they are peeling away as I am saying, “I am going to Queens.” Which also leads to lots of vulgarity. So, if I have to give up kicking cabs all year, don’t think I’m giving up swearing.

6. I-Made-It-All-Year-Without-Strong-Arming-A Tourist Holiday. If santa’s watching let him know I’ve NOT been good this year. If I am in a bad mood, it’s actually uplifting to walk down Broadway shoving through tourists for a couple blocks. Oh please, you know you do it too! If I can make it a full 365 days without accosting a tourist, I deserve a present.

7. The I-Just-Slept-Through-The-Night Holiday. Every parent gets one night a year to commemorate the night their kid finally slept through the night. It is a night of NyQuil-induced uninterrupted sleep for at least 10 hours. Who watches the kid(s)? The person who said “make sure to get all the sleep you can!” the most while you were pregnant.

8. The I-Survived-Sitting-In-The-Train-With-The-Drunk-Smelly-Bum Holiday. This should be complimented with a free personal driver for the entire following day, who obeys traffic laws, doesn’t smell, and has one of those roll-up windows so you don’t have to hold a conversation with the driver.

I mean while we’re at it, can we make everyday a holiday? Then we don’t feel bad leaving anything or anyone out. Such as the, “Oh, you’re walking now? How about you walk into the kitchen and get me donut Holiday,” or the “Oh you just got your driving permit? How about you practice by driving down to Starbucks for me Holiday.” I could definitely come up with 365 of these!

Any recommendations?