NYC is extra special at the holidays because not only do we have to walk those 10 blocks against piercing icy snow, we’re dodging tourists who don’t mind the stinging cold slush beating down on them. As a local, we have our tips and secrets to beat the holiday crowds (and I can’t TELL you or they wouldn’t be secrets anymore!) But for the brave souls who really love extreme sport challenges, the holidays in NYC are meant just for you! I’ve put together a little check-list challenge that you can take on this weekend if you have the guts.
That’s right – I dare you to take the Ultimate NYC Holiday Tour(ture). Can you handle it?
1. Wait until the week of Christmas to see Santa at Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s or ABC Carpet and Home.
You’re way too busy this month to try and plan to see Santa early. No one even THINKS about it until after December 15th right? So quit wasting all that time thinking and just wait until December 23rd to go see the big man when everyone else is waiting in line. You’ll only spend oh let’s say five or six hours standing in line just so the kids can tell him they want that Skylanders doll that is sold out anyways.
2. Try to ice skate at Rockefeller center the same night of the tree lighting.
Really want to feel the pain of waiting in line? Why wait to go ice skating on a week night, heck – let’s go the same night they light up the Rockefeller tree and do it all at once! (Yes this pic is blurry. I stood in the standing rain for hours just for Max NOT to look at the camera. This photo is PERFECTION for me).
3. Navigate Bryant Park, Union Square or Columbus Circle on a Saturday afternoon.
Don’t even bother trying to sip that hot chocolate to stay warm unless you want to decorate your new peacoat with pretty brown spots!
4. Buy that hat for $50 that was “hand-knit in Nepal” just because you’re a sap standing outside with all those pretty twinkling lights and Christmas music.
Go ahead because the one you can get inside at H&M in Columbus Circle for only $3 was hand-knit in China. No one wears China made hats anymore.
5. Feed your kids tons of sugar at Dylan’s Candy Bar, and then stand in line to get into FAO Schwarz.
Ever need to induce a toddler meltdown? This is how. Bonus points – stand there for the hour line while it’s RAINING. Tip: Listen, you might want to tag your kids before unleashing them in this store. It wouldn’t be the first time I heard someone tell me they lost a kid (or two!) The guards might stop then from running out onto the city streets, but they aren’t going to stop them from trying to go home with the “Big” Piano for the special holiday price of only $99!
6. Go see a children’s Broadway show like Fancy Nancy during nap time.
There’s nothing like blowing $50 a person to see an exclusive Christmas show and forcing the kids to stay awake for it so they can scream and have to leave the show early.
7. Eat somewhere that isn’t kid-friendly.
Do it I dare you. Double dog dare you. Why use a trusty app like MommyNearest.com that locates all the coolest places for you when you could just walk in that fancy looking eatery on Central Park South and piss off all the locals with a screaming child who just might or might not throw that $10 croissant at the next table. (P.S. that photo above is from Landmarc which is EXTREMELY kid-friendly, hence the cotton candy).
8. If you’re feeling REALLY rich and festive, I recommend taking a $150 carriage ride though Central Park.
But wait until night when it’s really romantic and extra freezing so you just keep wishing it was over faster. Oh wait? They have blankets? You mean those big dirty things that tons and tons of tourists with snotty-nosed kids wrap up in everyday? Yeah, sure they wash them every night!
9. Is your child considering playing football?
You’re in luck! Just take a peaceful stroll down 5th Avenue to see all the cute decorated stores you can’t afford. After those first 10 blocks he’ll be an all-star linebacker!
10. Oh heck – you’re in NYC. YOLO.
Might as well go see Time’s Square! You won’t be here for New Years, so you should totally go see the ball in person before it drops. Don’t forget to leave that $500 you just pulled out of the ATM in your back pocket so you can get robbed, too. Even better? Hold a map up after you take a selfie so you can attract all the warm and fuzzy characters to come and take holiday card photos with you for only $20 bucks a piece! Didn’t pay him? Better run – they’re known to throw a punch. That’s what you call a Snapchat!
Wow, you’re still going strong? Okay – let’s just call it a day and take a black cab or jitney back to the hotel or your friend’s house where you’re staying in Queens. He’s totally not going to charge you $100 to get back home without a meter, and of course that includes a tip! Oh, he doesn’t have GPS in 2014? Bummer – looks like you just extended your tour(ture) by getting an extended tour of NYC! Hey, at least this time you’re warm!
Did I miss any?
Slow clap!!!
Giiirrll not I. We did the express line of Santa land and I did all my shopping on a Monday, none of the above.